Happy New Year to you my lovely readers! The first half of 2015 was great for me. I loved exploring and making memories in London with the people I love. The second half of the year honestly tried to kill me so I’m really glad that it’s over. Here’s hoping that 2016 is going to be a great one for us all (statistically impossible, but it’s the thought that counts right?). I compiled a list of things that I hope will get left behind in 2015. May it provide a few laughs to start of your New Year.
1. Annoyingly stupid words and phrases which includes but is not limited to:
– Fleek. Doesn’t this sound like a combination of flea and flick?
– Adulting/how to adult. Yes you clearly don’t know “how to adult” if you can’t speak properly.
– Catch feelings. Are we robots? Are we not supposed to feel at all? It’s impossible to not feel. Also how exactly does one “catch” feelings? Run around with a butterfly net hoping to catch something? All the feels is also another equally as annoying phrase.
– AF. This sounds like you are too lazy to say Afro out in full. Hey guys, check out my new AF. Just say as fuck. An angel will not fall from heaven and die. I promise.
– I’m all about/I’m not about that life. This sounds so vain, self centred and pretentious. You can’t be a walking talking “about”section of a website. Isn’t that what your Twitter bio is for?
– I woke up like this. Yes sure, full face of makeup and styled hair.We also believe that you were also really sleeping when you took that “sleeping” selfie.
– No chill/throwing shade. In this extremely hot weather I would mind the no chill but you can certainly throw some shade my way. I’ll return the favour by throwing some ice cubes at you so you can get a chill.
2. All white parties and colour runs. Look the first ones were fun and new. With these events now happening every month it’s just a yawn fest. I don’t understand what is special about dressing in one colour. I do however find it hilarious that racists partake in colour runs which is an adaption of an Indian festival called Holi.
3. Secret Santa. One of the stupidest ideas in modern times. I wish someone could explain to me in a logical way, why? Office dynamics: why would anyone give a rats arse about buying a gift for a person in the office they don’t care about? I’ve seen it countless times where people hide behind the anonymity and buy/recycle shitty gifts which are sometimes used or plucked out of their cupboard at home. Cheap people don’t even stick to the budget and spend a significantly amount less. Let’s be honest, you can’t buy something awesome for R50/R100.
In family and friend situations it’s an excuse to get presents without buying for everyone. If you include a list of items you want it’s so silly because you might as well buy it yourself. There is no element of surprise or excitement. You should be able to choose whether or not to buy a present, for who to buy and the amount to spend. Let’s stop the secret Santa bullshit and rather donate to charity of our choice instead.
4. People who can’t tell the difference between a real and a parody account. Learn to read or use Google to explain the definition of a parody if you dont know. Think and validate before posting incorrect information and making a fool of yourself.
5. Hashtags for personal events. The misuse of hashtags on Facebook makes me want to screech like a banshee to cause people the same amount of pain they do to me. Why do you need a hashtag as a couple, event or holiday. Who exactly is going to search for that hashtag? People who know you? They already have you on Facebook so they don’t need to search. You created a holiday hashtag complete with tshirts only to upload 10 pictures. Please, you doing social media wrong. Stop before you hurt yourself. Let’s not forget to have a chuckle at those who hashtag when they have a private account on Instagram. Shame they probably need help tying their shoelaces too. We shouldn’t laugh at the intellectually challenge but they make it too easy.
6. Asking either or both of the dreaded how is work/when are you getting married. There are so many more interesting questions to ask other than work. I would even prefer a more general question of how I am doing to that. The marriage question makes me want to reply “in a month but you are not invited”. It doesn’t make sense to ask an unengaged person when they are getting married. Let me stop you before you think you should rather ask when are you getting engaged. A guy will keep it a secret so his girlfriend won’t find out and a girl doesn’t propose so she can’t answer your question either. If you are important in a person’s life they will tell you without being asked. Furthermore don’t assume you will be invited to a wedding. I wish people would stop measuring a person’s success by engagements and weddings. It’s such an old school mentality to think someone has made it in life because they have hooked themselves a man. Women are perfectly capable of being successful and fantastic all by themselves.
7. Sharing entire song lyrics, word porn quotes or fake competitions. There are 7 billion people in the world, a good chunk of them will identify with a song or poem with you not being the only one. You don’t have to share it to make yourself special because those feelings are not unique to you. It’s okay to read, enjoy, be affected and move on. Be realistic about competitions, an account that is not verified and has a few hundred followers is not the real deal. You are not going to win a BMW by sharing a link on Facebook.
I would have added that I hope that people wouldn’t be queuing at Starbucks and taking selfies when it opens this year but I know that will be too much to ask. I will just be here silently laughing, judging and probably writing a blog post about it.
Happy & New,