Before I get into what this post is really about, I desperately need to get something off my brain (I don’t understand why people say chest). Why is it that people view an engagement on the same pedestal as discovering a cure for cancer or world peace? What is so special about putting a ring on someone’s finger/wearing a ring and promising to commit when there is a 50% chance of getting divorced? Why do extremely flawed people only click like on an engagement picture but don’t equally celebrate people who have a new job, are involved with charities, take risks, conquer fears, do something new or are just a damn strong resilient individual in the face of adversity. A proposal, engagement and wedding is a meaningless achievement. A long lasting happy marriage is something to celebrate. Anyone can get engaged with a cheap tacky ring and married in court in a week. Not all weddings are even for love, some are to make the family happy, some are because the girl got pregnant and some are just for visas. It takes a lot more effort, sacrifice and commitment to stay married for 30 years. Think about that the next time you click like on yet another engagement picture and skip the others.
1. The frequent countdowns to your wedding date. We all get it, you are getting married, we are happy for you, we liked your facebook statuses and pictures but there is honestly no need for multiple countdowns. Is each status like opening a box on an advent calendar with the prize being that we will be granted a reprieve when you stop? Also what is up with the excitement attached to specific numbers like 100. What does the 100 represent really? At least be original and choose a number like 114 or 87. Happy people do not need a daily Facebook post to remind and inspire them to be excited about their wedding.
Probably even more annoying are the following recycled copied statuses:
– I said yes. Ofcourse you did! Which psycho would pose with a ring after saying no.
– I am marrying my best friend. What an overused line and an insult to all your girl friends. Shame but there is something so sad about having a middle aged man as your best friend.
– He liked it so he put a ring on it. Insert eye roll. I would hope he loves you not just likes you.
– Announcing your engagement with a photo of the ring only. The important thing is the two of you, engagement rings represent the most successful marketing ploy of all times. Being more happy about the ring than the commitment brings into question if a piece of jewellery means more to you than the relationship.
2. Forcing your parents to pay for your wedding. If they offer to pay that’s perfectly reasonable and if not, remember that it’s your choice to get married and your responsibility to foot the bill. Your parents are nearing retirement and need all their savings. You are also probably the type to take money but never give money when your parents need it. Getting married is a big step, if you can’t afford to get married why are you having a wedding in the first place. The most despicable story I have heard is the brides rich family paying for the whole wedding and the bridal couple asking the not so wealthy father of the groom to cough up an amount after the wedding. How despicable is it to go demanding money when you and your wife both earn triple his salary.
Neither do I believe the nonsense that a girl’s family should pay. We need to stop treating women like second class citizens or commodities that can be bought, sold or traded. We don’t live in an age where the guy’s family will take care of his wife. Women not only run a household and take care of the kids but they also have full time jobs. Don’t expect the girl’s family to pay without the guy’s family contributing as well. Repeat after me: girls and women are not burdens!
3. Having a wedding on a week day. Look I understand I can still choose whether or not to come if I am not family. I still however think this is a selfish one. Weddings are expensive to attend – hair, dress, shoes, wedding present, accommodation, petrol, money for the cash bar plus you now expect me to take a precious day of leave. It honestly is not that much cheaper to have it on a weekday because the venue will only be cheaper. If you are having a weekday wedding because you hope less people will attend then clearly you are inviting people for the wrong reasons. I will give a free pass to Friday weddings because then at least it’s a long weekend and I can recover the next day instead of either having to take more leave or suffering at work.
4. Asking unengaged people when they are getting married. This question deserves a bitch slap of note. It really isn’t your concern if my ovaries are expiring or I am getting old. Those are not reasons to get married. Your purpose in life might be to get married, spread your legs and breed but that’s not mine. Even if it were it’s none of your business. The fact that you think the reasons for getting married is that you are getting older or you have been dating for x amount of years means that you either don’t display the maturity to get married, show cases your naivety and stupidity or highlights your need to get married in order to have sex.
5. Behave like a stingy bridezilla who forces bridesmaids to shell out stupid amounts of money that they can’t afford. Let’s not pretend that there is anything nice about being a bridesmaid. You have to pay for a hideous dress you will never wear again, fork out for the bachelorette party plus gift, wedding gift, pay for petrol and travel costs, are forced to stay over and act as a personal servant on the wedding day. Bridesmaids are not hired staff – they will not get to enjoy your special day. Just pay someone to do it for you.
The rule should be if you are going to make them pay for their own dresses, assign them a colour but let them choose their own. And do not ever utter the biggest lie in history that they will wear it again. It’s no secret that brides pick ugly dresses matching their hideous colour scheme to make them look better. If you are one of those brides that make your bridesmaids wear those abominable infinity dresses, all I can say is you have no taste. Those dresses hurt my eyes and they flatter NO ONE – I don’t care how many ways you can tie it, they make everyone look uglier than Cinderella’s stepsisters.
6. Invite people to bachelorette/bachelor party but not wedding. Do I really need to explain why this is wrong? Hey you, we are getting married, please come spend your time and money on pre-wedding festivities but remember you are not good enough to come to the wedding. Do people do this to get more gifts? Have more people at their party? Sorry this is just a faux pas.
7. Suddenly become left handed and behave like you are the first person in history to get engaged. Play with your hair with your left hand, hold everything with your left hand, touch your ring a lot, stare at your left hand, do anything and everything to get that ring noticed! All photos have to have the ring strategically in it. We all know that famous pose with your hand on your fiance’s chest when you never posed like that before.
Engagements & Farces,